Dana Milbank, the pro-war WaPo's own Shecky Green, topped himself on Friday turning in an online chate with readers that is 100% unserious, 100% without merit, 100% Dana talking to hear himself chuckle.
Maybe it's because it was Friday after a long week. Maybe Dana wants out of the daily grind of journamalism and he's dreaming out loud ofthe day he'll get the better of one of the various late night hosts. (note to Dana: Jimmy Kimmel is your best bet there.) I don't know any other way to explain this:
Dana Milbank: Hello my fellow Americans, and that Dutch guy
who keeps writing in. And the Canadian guy too, the one who asks about
softwood lumber.
Many a momentous event this week. Medicare is
going broke in 12 years. Social Security goes bellyup not much later.
Iran is threatening, Iraq is still teetering. The Senate passed a huge
spending bill, Bush threatens to veto it, and the House has decided to
honor Albert Pujols of the St. Louis Cardinals. And has Patrick Kennedy
come out of his office yet?
But enough of all that. Let's talk about the only thing you want to talk about: Steven Colbert.
Shorter Dana: I hate you all so much.
Milwaukee, Wis.:
Dana, your comments about the WH Correspondents Dinner on Olbermann
Monday night were disappointing. You are a very talented journalist and
funny. You are not, however, nearly as funny as Mr. Colbert. Colbert
executed political satire, flawlessly at the WH Correspondents dinner.
The press in attendance didn't like Mr. Colbert revealing the truth
about their complicity with the White House. The situation in the
entire Middle East can get a lot worse and the price of a barrel of oil
can go a lot higher.
Dana Milbank: Excellent question. You are right on top of the big issues of the day, Milwaukee.
Seriously. So. Fucking. Much.
For
those of you dealing with less significant issues than Colbertgate,
here's what happened. The comedian was not as funny as usual when he
spoke to the White House Correspondents Association Dinner Saturday. He
had the bad fortune of following Bush, who had a body double with him
on the stage who spoke the president's inner thoughts.
Monday night, Keith Olbermann of MSNBC's Countdown, asked me:
Keith:
"I like Stephen Colbert a lot and believe me, I'm all for smacking down
presidents. I have done to one from each party in my tenure here. But
was this the right tone at the right venue? Was there a line crossed
here in some way?"
Me: "I don't think he crossed the line. I just
think he wasn't terribly funny and had the misfortune of following Bush
who actually did put on one of the better performances of his
presidency."
Evidently, the full transcript did not arrive at the
offices of Editor and Publisher, where Greg Mitchell decided that I had
in fact said Colbert "was not funny." He neglected to mention that this
misquote was uttered in the context of my defense of Colbert.
See? It's that dork Greg Mitchell you people should be pestering. I did nothing wrong. Colbert is a comedian. I talk about teh funny, cash my check, go home, bada bing.
As
you can see, this is all terribly consequential. Although I do think it
says something about why the left is having trouble regaining power.
There are so many fat targets out there, from gas prices to Iraq to
health care. So what are the left wing activists doing? Attacking
reporters for their views on whether a comedian was funny at a dinner.
Unsolicited advice for those who can't tear themselves from the Colbert criticism: Get a life.
Boo hoo. Dana is being attacked and that's what's wrong with The Left. (Someone call Norbizness, quick!) Thank god we've got Dana to put us back on track. Although I'm pretty sure that Colbert, current King of The Left, was taking some direct hits on those fat targets, the ignoring of which fact is the reason the rest of The Left is attacking poor Miss Thang. But step this way, there's much more. The show is just getting started. Remember, three drink minimum.
Ladies and Gentleman! You'll be amazed as you watch Dana "rimshot"
Milbank pine for simpler days when people were easier to fool and false
equivalences passed as logical argument.
Rochester, N.Y.: I was pleasantly surprised by your negative
reaction to Stephen Colbert's shenanigan last weekend. Frankly, I
thought after your infamous hunting vest episode, this sort of
Bush-bashing "humor" would be right up your alley. Has your opinion
about this sort of humor changed since the hunting jacket episode? Do
you now realize that making fun of the president at a time of war give
comfort to our enemies? Or was it more a matter of just not liking the
Colbert routine?
Dana Milbank: And now, a word from the right wing.
I miss the days when humor, like everything else, didn't have to be seen through a political lens.
The
right wing thought it was funny when Scott McClellan wore an orange tie
and joked that it was because he was worried about running into Vice
President Cheney. They didn't like it when I wore orange and made a
similar joke.
Now the left wing finds Colbert terribly funny, and
anybody who doesn't agree is a tool of the administration. But where
does this leave George Clooney, who was at the dinner and didn't laugh
once at Colbert? Clooney: right wing stooge?
Does Dana even get it that because of him and people like him, we're reading a Washington Post online political news chat arguing about what's funny? He couldn't have come up with a more truthy way to feel the news at us if he had had Colbert's writers think of one for him. But I forgot, Dana writes his own stuff.
Arlington, Va.:
Hey I loved the sketch you wrote on what Senators drive. It was
hilarious! I'm curious to know, but dare I ask what does my favorite
Sen. Obama drive?
Dana Milbank: I think he walks to the Capitol for votes, young lad that he is.
Though I have heard that Oklahoma's James Inhofe, chairman of the Senate environment committee, drives an H2.
A fan! No need to take this one seriously either. The guy likes Dana's jokes so jokes is what he'll get.
Arlington, Va.:
I loved Steven Colbert and his performance! I think a lot of the
wailing is because there has been very little public criticism of Bush
until now and it sounds jarring. It should have been done log ago, but
better late than never. And, unfortunately, I guess the Colbert Affair
will now take a back set to the Patrick Kennedy All the Time show.
Dana Milbank:
A perfect segue from Colbert to Kennedy. I hear there was a terrific
stakeout outside his (Kennedy's) office last night, and reporters were
wondering if he'd eventually rappel down the building. They knew they
were in for a long wait when take-out food was delivered to the office.
Hey! Thanks for settin' me up. It's always better when the audience helps. But seriously ...
Takoma Park, Md.:
Dana, I need to become a Congressman. Just for the simple fact if I
drive drunk and crash my car on the Capitol, I will be given a friendly
ride home by the police officers on scene.
Dana Milbank:
You're
not kidding. I think they've had extra niceness training since the
McKinney thing. Now they're personal drivers. If this keeps up they
will be picking up members' dry cleaning by July.
Everyone wants to get into the act! That's cool, we'll just riff a while. I got a million of 'em.
IOKIYAR:
The Washington Post is all over the Kennedy story. Aha! Look at what a
Democrat did! While the Post and the rest of the White House lap dogs
sweep Republican shenanigans under the rug. Even the Abramhoff scandal
was always prefaced with "well Democrats took money too" even though
the preponderance of evidence showed that it was a Republican scandal.
And, by the way, it is in extremely poor taste for the President of the
United States to be making a clown out of himself while the kids he
sent to Iraq are being blown up daily. It was disgusting.
Dana Milbank:
Thank you for the constructive criticism. I shall forward your
complaint to my colleagues Sue Schmidt, who won the Pulitzer last month
for the Abramoff story, and to Dana Priest, who won the Pulitzer for
exposing the administration's secret prisons.
As for your complaints about the president's performance, I shall forward those to my supervisor, Tony Snow.
And that, my friends, is a perfectly executed description of misleading vividness performed by our Mr. Milbank with an appeal to ridicule thrown in for difficulty points. Truly, he is a master of the online discussion.
Pittsburgh, Pa.:
The duo that does the Gossip Chat for the Post said that by the time
Colbert was up, folks had been drinking for several hours. Yikes! Do
they really do this in a setting filled with cameras, friends, foes,
bosses and competitors? I think I'd have a glass of wine and switch to
seltzer. What is the local custom?
Dana Milbank: I can
only speak for myself. The wine is quite awful at the WHCA dinner --
the Chardonnay and Cabernet are both cheap and overly oaked -- so I
like to front load with a few gin and tonics out in the plaza during
cocktail hour. That generally holds me 'til the Bloomberg party, which
this year featured pomegranate and cucumber martinis. I then take a
spin up to 1st and C Streets SE, where I play chicken with the Capitol
Police.
I don't take anything you people say seriously. I am contractually obligated to do these chats. You disgust me.
My Left Foot:: Why can't the left bash the media? Is that a right-wing exclusive?
The
left need to bash the media, or any way to get to Bush by proxy. It's
sorta sad when the go-to news show is a comedy show, and satirist a
faux blowhard.
Newsweek did a story several weeks ago about
issues a few people have with Ambien, one woman reportedly sleep
walked, ate raw eggs and rice and gained 30 pounds.
About time
someone use the Ambien defense. Honey, I didn't sleep with her, I took
Ambien. Officer I have to get back for a 2 a.m. Congressional vote, I
took Ambien.
Dana Milbank: I agree. I think it's quite
refreshing that the left wing has built a media-crit operation that
rivals the decades-old right-wing media crit operation. On the other
hand, it's the equivalent of both sides arguing with the ump rather
than figuring out how they can score more runs.
(That would be true, still painfully sarcastic and rude, but true, if The Left wrote the umps' paychecks as The Right does. As things stand, The Left is at a bit of a disadvantage when dealing with the Corporate Media.)
The Orange Vest:
Dana - Hold on to it. You may be dispatched by the Post to the Hill to
cover a story. Any crossing guard will tell you that it will enhance
your visibility tremendously in cross walks.
Dana Milbank: I keep it in the glove compartment of my Vespa at all times.
Just keep teein' 'em up. I'll keep hittin' 'em out.
Chicago, Ill.:
On Colbert: It's not whether Colbert was funny or not when he
criticized the President of the United States to his face. It's that
either way, nobody in the media reported it. THAT's what's troubling -
sound, intelligent dissent going down the memory hole.
Dana Milbank: I blame the pomegranate martinis for the memory hole thing. At least they have antioxidants, though.
Do I come to where you work and tell you how to do your job? I was rolling, motherfucker.
Baton Rouge, La.: Attacking reporters for their views on whether a comedian was funny at a dinner.
We're
attacking the Washington press corps because we don't think you've been
doing your jobs. The Washington press corps was complicit in the run up
to the war in Iraq and has never held Bush accountable for anything. It
took Colbert to do the job for you.
Dana Milbank: Oh, dear. Baton Rouge really needs to get a life. Can somebody get Baton Rouge a life? Rochester? Milwaukee? Anybody?
Milbank's pulling out the big ad hominem guns. Good for him. This has gone on long enough. Now someone is questioning his dedication to his favorite hobby, journalism, and that will not stand. He's going to fight back hard.
Here's
the lede of a front-page story I wrote in October, 2002. You might have
missed it because you were busy complaining that somebody didn't think
a Jay Leno routine was funny.
After that one joke - he couldn't resist.
"President Bush, speaking to the
nation this month about the need to challenge Saddam Hussein, warned
that Iraq has a growing fleet of unmanned aircraft that could be used
'for missions targeting the United States.'
"Last month, asked if
there were new and conclusive evidence of Hussein's nuclear weapons
capabilities, Bush cited a report by the International Atomic Energy
Agency saying the Iraqis were 'six months away from developing a
weapon.' And last week, the president said objections by a labor union
to having customs officials wear radiation detectors has the potential
to delay the policy 'for a long period of time.'
"All three
assertions were powerful arguments for the actions Bush sought. And all
three statements were dubious, if not wrong. Further information
revealed that the aircraft lack the range to reach the United States;
there was no such report by the IAEA; and the customs dispute over the
detectors was resolved long ago."
And he's back to misleading vividness again because if it ain't broke ...
Washington, D.C.: Pomegranate and cucumber martinis! Euwwww.
Dana Milbank:
No, no. The pomegranate martinis and cucumber martinis were entirely
separate beverages. It is very dangerous to mix them; it would produce
an effect similar to taking Ambien and Phenergan for gastroenteritis.
But the Capitol Police were on hand to offer free rides home to anybody
at the Bloomberg Party who mixed the two.
Okay, the Kennedy stuff is wearing thing, but to be fair, I think the bit needs puppets. These online chats put Milbank, who's really more of a prop comic than anything else, at a disadvantage. So don't judge too harshly here. He should get points for keeping that Kennedy thing going. He really knows how to rib his audience. Don Rickles could learn from this man.
Anonymous: Hiya Dana, did you get a lot of cool tchotchkes in your gift bag at the WH correspondent's dinner?
Dana Milbank:
This is another outrage. I ate all four (Godiva?)chocolates on the way
home, but when I tried the Bloomberg slippers on in the morning they
didn't fit. I am hoping this will change when the gout calms down.
Ha! Gout. Always funny. And words with K and things that come in threes.
Galesburg, Ill.:
Are people crazier today than usual or do you always receive so many
questions from the paranoid on both sides of the spectrum??
I
like how people keep telling you to stop focusing on X and start
focusing on issues of real importance, as if submitting a throwaway
comment to an online chat is changing the world.
Dana Milbank:
Actually I was thinking things were more sedate than I expected. You
have no idea what my inbox looks like on an average day, Galesburg. But
you do seem to have your life in balance. Can you help this person in
Baton Rouge, or the one in Rochester who keeps sending angry questions?
Thank you, Galesburg! You get it. You aren't a brainiac on the nerd patrol, worrying about the state of journalism in this country. Thank you.
Rochester, N.Y.:
You write "I blame the pomegranate martinis for the memory hole thing.
At least they have antioxidants, though." Not funny. It's almost like
this whole Colbert thing has the effect of making those who criticized
unfunny. First, we have Richard Cohen bragging about being a funny guy,
the proceeding to write a column with not one laugh line in it, now we
have you, who are normally quite funny, churning out clunkers.
Dana Milbank: This is the Rochester who needs help, Galesburg.
The trick is to not believe the reviews. Every good entertainer knows it. Moving on ...
Indianapolis, Ind.:
As far as comedy goes either it made you laugh or it didn't! The other
point is that it's subjective. What is funny for me might not be funny
for you. The Three Stooges are a case in point.
Dana Milbank: Thank you, Indianapolis, for adding some good, old-fashioned, heartland values to this debate. I heartily agree.
But the Stooges are always funny.
Thank you, heartland. Hey, you know why they call it "the heartland" right? Because the brains are somewhere else!
washingtonpost.com: Thank you for joining us today.
I'll be here all week!
h/t to
Alt Hippo (who has the
definitive Goss take down) for pointing me toward
the Nikzor Project.